Social Disaster : 3. The Husband-Wife Relationship

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Social Disaster : 3. The Husband-Wife Relationship

 

 

Loss of Respect for one’s own Human Dignity

 

With or without divorce, the consequences of marital neglect are far-reaching. If a husband and wife do not cherish one another according to the advice of the Buddha, the harm that will come to them can be concluded on three levels:

 

Loss of Respect for one’s own Human Dignity

 

If a husband and wife lack self-discipline and don’t fulfil the duties towards one another as prescribed in the Six Directions, the first level of disaster which will happen to  them is that they will lose their sense of responsibility for their own human dignity this loss giving rise (at the minimum) to the following three undesirable symptoms:

 

- Disheartened from starting a family: Most people get married, not just because they care for each other, but because they hope to start a family together. Not long after they are married, if either or both of them fail to perform the prescribed duties determined according to the Six Directions or perform only some of them, it is likely that they can forgive one another. However, if they are unfaithful to one another, any hope of forgiveness will vanish. They will no longer trust one another and will lose any inspiration to further their family together. Some couples may hate each other so much that they are no longer be able to live together-finally ending up in separation or divorce. In cases of extreme negative views, disgruntled couples may even go as far as killing one another.

 

- Lack of peace in the family life: Because their life together lacks trust, when husband and wife are together they always quarrel. When they angry they hurl abuse at one another. Peace in the family is destroyed husband and wife becoming enemies;

 

- The broken family: When the dispute becomes so intense it turns to a fight, it leaves both physical and mental scars. The situation will break down to the point they have to separate.

 

In any family where fighting becomes habitual, in fact husband and wife undermine their own morality they will find no peace. The worst victims of the conflict will be their young children. The terrifying environment for the family will cause the youth problem of the society.

 

 

Peace in the family is destroyed husband and wife becoming enemies

 

Loss of Respect for Pthers’Human Dignity

 

If a husband and wife lack self-discipline and don’t fulfil the duties towards one another prescribed by the Lord Buddha, the second level of disaster which will happen to them is that they will lose their sense of responsibility for the human dignity of others this loss giving rise (at the minimum) to the following three undesirable symptoms:

 

- They become biased: If, because of their erroneous core values, the husband or wife or both of them do not perform the requisite duties and are not brought up properly by parents and teachers to distinguish right from wrong and appropriate from inappropriate behaviours, their family can never enjoy peace. Husband and wife will feel alienated and become pessimistic, feeling that no justice exists in the world, and that they don’t even receive justice at the hands of their spouse. Therefore, they become biased and do not even love their own children equally.

 

- They take the side of the one they love: If they have more than one child, if they are biased, they will have double standards for their children. They might unfairly protect or excuse the ones they love more when they do wrong. They support the ones they love more when they do wrong. They support the ones they love more in doing wrong things. At the same time, they blame the unfavored children unnecessarily when they make even small mistakes or out of anger. When these unfavoured children do good things, their parents may be sarcastic which only serves to discourage those unfavoured children. Worse than that is when they try to find fault with them. Parents who are biased will have their favorite child. Each of them will take side with their favourite-one becoming the father’s child, another the mother’s. this type pf situation clearly causes fragmentation in the family. Quarrels will break out between the parents and the children.

 

- Unjust provision for the children: When providing things for the children. Whether insignificant things, or things as large as their inheritance, they will give more to the children they favour. They might give first choice to their favourite child. If any brave enough to protest, the parents might be so angry that they might write that child out of their will. In turn, the child will become biased and think badly of their parents.

 

The behaviours cited above are only the tip of the iceberg for parents whose minds are consumed by prejudice. However, in origin, the bias comes from erroneous core values and failure to perform the requisite duties in the Six Directions.

 

 

Lack of peace in the family life

 

Loss of Respect for Economic Fairness

 

If a husband and wife lack self-discipline and don’t fulfil the duties towards one another prescribed by the Lord Buddha, the third level of disaster which will happen to them is that they will lose their sense of responsibility foreconomic fairness in society at large this loss giving rise (at the minimum) to the following three undesirable symptoms:

 

- Drowning their sorrows in Roads to Ruin: Husbands and wives who fail to fulfil their duties find their relationship disintegrating into an argument. They make each other stressed and bored. They try to forget their problems by indulging in Roads to Ruin as most people mistakenly do. Husbands may go out and drink with friends at the bars or the nightclub. Some husbands might choose to frequent massage parlours or casinos. Wives might go out with friends to the cinema, shopping malls or some famous restaurant. When they have a big enough group, they may go and play cards or go gambling at illegal casinos, which nowadays are everywhere. Husbands or wives who get involved with the Roads to Ruin underestimate the ease of giving up such habits. As time passes, the problem of insufficient funds starts to raise its ugly head. They might have to go to a pawn shop or money-lenders. Some may buy things on credits which will lead them to get caught up in hire purchase conditions or else to sell the goods at a lower price to make quick money. All these circumstances worsen the burden of debt.

 

- Resorting to illegal livelihoods: Husbands or wives who get involved with Roads to Ruin and avail themselves of a debt burden, will eventually find it necessary to make extra money in order to be able to service the debt and to keep as a reserve in the case of gambling. Therefore, husbands and wives join hands to convince friends to assist them to do illegal jobs, such as forging goods, or exporting girls into human such as forging goods, or exporting girls into human slavery, stealing cars and selling them along the border, being an illegal lotto manager, or selling drugs.

 

- Doing illegal jobs: Having availed themselves of an illegal profession, they will finally become involved in Unwholesome Livelihood. If either husband or wife are in positions of influence such as being responsible for purchasing and hiring for a company or the civil service, they will find ways to make money out of corruption. When husband and life have these sort of core values in their life, how can they be expected to pass on wholesome core values to their children?

 

 

Misunderstanding of marriage

 

Loss of Respect for the Environment

 

When husbands or wives lack self-discipline and don’t fulfil the minimal responsibilities to each other as prescribed by the Six Directions, the fourth sign of harm will be that they will lack any sense of responsibility to the Six Directions and to the natural environment this being expressed in two main ways by the husband’s or wife’s behaviour.

 

- Lacking responsibility for their duties in the Six Directions: especially lacking a good interaction with the social groups in each of the Six Directions, will cause a husband or wife to misbehave in at least three ways:

 

- Overlooking the importance of the Six Directions: Despite the power of the Six Directions to shape our lives, they do not influence us simultaneously. Each direction will affect our lives at a different age. In childhood, our parents are our biggest influence, followed by our teachers. For some children it is the employees (i.e. the maids or the nanny) who have the biggest effect on the childrens’ core values. The friends and spiritual mentors have a lesser influence during childhood. The spouse has no influence at all (because the child is not of marriageable age!) When they grow up, if still single, generally the friends have the most influence on their life. After marriage however, most of the influence comes from the spouse. The spouse and friends have more influence on those who are husbands or wives than the other social groups. When husbands and wives do not value the Six Directions, they tend to treat their inlaws the worst. Between husband and wife, there is always a possible conflict between the relative perceived importance of the inlaws. If this problem is unresolved it can become the source of much animosity. These become obstacles for the reforming of human nature as well as causing problems for family and professional life. However, at root, what drives husbands and wives to misbehave are the erroneous core values they have in their minds.

 

- Gossiping behind each others’ backs: Husbands and wives who have erroneous core values may tend to criticize and gossip behind the backs of their nearest and dearest, or their in – laws. This kind of behavior inevitably causes fragmentation between husband and wife. Fragmentation may also happen between them and those they have criticized. This only increases the number of people in domestic conflicts whether it be ‘the feud between mother-in0law and daughter-in-law, between son-in-law and father-in-law, and mother-in-law feud, once it happens, will no longer concern only the two of them. Rather, it will expand to affect the husband and those on the husband’s side. Any such tensions, may lead weak-minded husbands and wives to succumb to the Defilements of Action or the Roads to Ruin as a way out.

 

 

The terrifying environment for the family will cause the youth problem of the society.

 

- Destroying themselves or their family: Husbands or wives who no longer believe in themselves will fall under the power of the Roads to Ruin and may be unfaithful. As going out at night alone is dangerous, they go as a group. When they are together, they get drunk, use drugs or gamble (to be sociable). Such outings give them financial problems and lead them to borrow from others. In some case, the problem may be much worse than this. When they go back home, they quarrel with their spouse or with senior relatives living in the same house. Some beat their children who become like scapegoats. Just like a car engine which has a problem but is kept running until it causes another problem and finally damages the whole system, it can be said that aggressive interactions between spouse and their nearest and dearest is one thing that causes domestic problems on all levels. Once the problem worsens and becomes so serious as to threaten life and the family future, although concerned friends might like to help, usually it is too late. Friends might like to help, usually it is too late. Therefore, no-one can afford to overlook the importance of getting along well with onr nearest and dearest in the Six Directions.

 

- Lacking responsibility for the natural environment: lacking responsibility for the natural environment may causes husbands or wives to misbehave in at least three ways:

 

- Not caring about preserving the natural environment: Because husbands and wives fail to fulfil their duties in the Six Directions, their domestic situation may already be oppressing. If problems at work add to these problems, these husband and wife will have no heart for the environment. With debt problems on top of this, the environment will be the last thing on their mind. They will be contented with the seediness they find themselves surrounded with;

 

- Protesting at any campaign for environmental facelift: People tend to do and say the first thing that comes into their heads. If their domestic situation has reduced them to contentment with a dirty and untidy environment, they will very soon become accustomed to it. If there is anyone suggestion to change or clean up the environment, or renovate public places, they will refuse to cooperate. If there is a charity raising funds for such projects, they will never support it but will speak out against the project and those who work for it. Instead of just remaining inactive in the face of environmental enhancement, they go out of their way to hinder it!;

 

However, once married, when the reality of the situation sinks in

 

- Destroying the natural environment: The grossness of these people’s domestic lives causes them to let their houses become run-down. They do nothing to renovate their home or if they do, they contravene the municipal regulations. This may cause congestion in the locality. When fire breaks out, the fire brigade has hindered access. This certainly contributes to the destruction of the environment. In the house, there may be places containing stagnant water, left-over food, trash and dog dirt. Pets may be everywhere. All these are sources of disease-vectors such as mosquitoes, flies, cockroaches and rats. Once they start to irritate the inhabitants, pesticide is used. This not only is dangerous directly to those living in the house, but also pollutes the air. When they go to public places, they spread litter around, as is easily seen from the state of the inner cities everywhere. Some urinate on the sidewalk in broad daylight and the smell of urine is ever-present on some streets. All these are behaviours of those who destroy the environment because of their lack of sound core values.

 

Summary of Social Problems Caused

 

The problems in the husband-wife relationship and be summarized down to two main points:

 

Broken families: The manifest problem of broken families in our society exacerbates the already grave problems faced by young people as well as affecting a country’s economic stability;

 

Misunderstanding of marriage: The covert social problem of misunderstanding of marriage stems from the fact that young people are getting married for the wrong reasons. Without any comprehension of how to lead a household, a majority of couples these days seem to be marrying merely to fulfil their sexual fantasies. However, once married, when the reality of the situation sinks in, they find themselves ill-equipped to make a success of the family life. It is ironic that  “sex education” has become a compulsory school subject at a time when society is plumbing the depths of marital problems and promiscuity. In the olden days “sex education” was not taught. but somehow the “man-in-the-street” seemed to make less of a mess of his marital life! Maybe what they should be teaching in schools instead of “sex education” is “how to prepare yourself to be a good husband / wife” or “how to prepare yourself to be a good parent”?

 

 

 

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